Her policy doesn’t go far enough: we need to end, via prohibition, the scourge of dangerous drugs such as alcohol, coffee, and tobacco.  From our policy announcement:

The case against tobacco is [...] straightforward.  For millions of years, we have known that tobacco is evil.  We have banned tobacco use in public places due to health concerns, obviously the next step is to abolish tobacco use completely by making it illegal.  Common street names for tobacco include “Chew”, “Dip”, “Fags”, “Smoke”.

We know that tobacco is harmful even to people over the age of 16, so for the good of the the province we need to ban tobacco.  After all, those lungs in your chest belong to the provincial government.  It’s in the Constitution Act, look it up.  

The punishment for smoking should be execution on the spot.  The message will be clear:  “Smoking kills, so if you smoke we’ll kill you preemptively.”  The same punishment would be in effect for those caught drinking alcohol and caffienated beverages such as coffee – anyone caught with a Jagerbomb would be executed twice.

Your Rhinoceros Party:  Progressive on health, decidedly conservative on drugs.

Did we miss anything?

This legislation would set up an inquiry to set up an inquiry into the health care system in Alberta. This does not go far enough – we should first set up an inquiry about an inquiry about an inquiry into health care. This extra layer of abstraction will allow politicians to do absolutely nothing for at least another month. We need more time to stall.

Fixed Election Dates

Excellent legislation that gives us a timeframe in which we will hold our fake elections which are “fixed” to give the PC Party majority after majority. We at the Rhinoceros Party are glad that the legislation finally acknowledges that our elections are fixed.

Drinking and Driving

This legislation reduces the legal limit for drinking and driving to 0.05. However, what it does not do is set a mandatory minimum. Conservatives love mandatory minimums, right? The Rhinoceros Party demands that the province set the mandatory minimum blood alcohol for driving to be 0.02. This will create jobs in the hospitality industry which would otherwise be endangered by the lower upper limit for drinking and driving and the government will continue to make money from liquor taxes.

From Bank Street to Main Street, denizens of workplaces have served with great valour, laying down their lives from 9 to 5, especially on Fridays, to build a better, freer, more peaceful world. They have defeated the tyrants in upper management, saved the helpless, and served as our greatest ambassadors to the peoples of the world.

No words or gestures can ever fully capture the magnitude of our debt to these men and women currently not wearing full business attire. On behalf of the Real Opposition, it is with the deepest humility and respect that I offer our thanks to  those who have helped establish Casual Fridays and to their families.

Did we forget anything?

Office of the Leader of the Rhinoceros Party of Alberta
Communications Department
abrhinos@gmail.com
Twitter

“Privatize ALL THE THINGS”

Some say that privatization in this province has gone too far, well, we at the Rhinoceros Party of Alberta say that it hasn’t gone too far enough! Look at how successful it has been with privatized power generation! We will privatize everything, from the sidewalks and roads to your children’s education. We will also privatize your children. Even the legislature, long a potent symbol of government, will be privatized and covered with ads.

For a picture of what a Rhinoceros Party led legislature would look like, take a look at your local hockey rink. We will also stage UFC-style cagefights within the legislature, so that hopefully Albertans will finally pay attention to what happens there. If there’s one thing that will get the attention of Albertans, it’s two men viciously beating on each other until blood is spilled. Panem et circenses, indeed!

Promises:

• A toll booth at every corner, and miniature toll booths on sidewalks. We – I mean our arm’s length private contractors we are selling the sidewalks to at pennies on the dollar – will charge businessmen a nickel to walk down the street, finally providing a market-based solution.
• Privatized education for children. Don’t worry, we won’t be introducing user fees. Instead, we will have subjects like “Geology brought to you by Encana” which will teach children about the lie called “Climate Change”, or “Social Studies brought to you by The Family Research Council” which will teach children about how the gays are ruining Alberta with their fabulousness.
• A privatized legislature, where legislators are bought and paid for by private interests. Oh wait… we’ll have to think of a new policy here, because this seems to be already in place…
• Instead of being citizens, people living in the province will be called shareholders, and given their share of the public wealth when everything is privatized. We plan on balancing the budget and turning a profit within the first week of taking office.
• Privatized health care. We’re the only party which will honestly tell you while looking you in the eyes that “we want to privatize your health care, sell our health care system to HMOs from the United States, and sell your organs for cash.” The other parties just want to do this on the sly.

Remember to vote for us for change.  Also for stability.  We promise everything!

Nietzsche said this. Well, we at the Rhinoceros Party have gazed into the abyss that is the Progressive Conservative leadership race and we must say – Gary Mar is by far the silliest candidate, so he has our endorsement!

Mr. Mar is an outspoken proponent of private health care delivery, and he had the chutzpah to run his campaign using the socialist colour of the NDP: orange. This delicious sense of irony is exactly what we need from the next leader of the province, because God knows it is impossible to lead this province without a certain sense of irony.  We need a leader who can say things like “the taroilsands are a source of clean, cheap energy” in Chinese with a straight face.  How else are we going to convince the Chinese to buy our oil?  It’s not like they already want the oil and can speak English or anything like that.

Also he was the Minister of Health and Wellness that brought about the hilarious consolidation of Alberta’s health regions.  This lead to very silly anecdotes – like people from Calgary calling down to the hospital in Lethbridge, demanding to know why they are using so much gauze.  We predict that with Mr. Mar in charge, we will be able consolidate the business of running the entire province down to a single desk in a basement in Edmonton.  How’s that for efficient and effective government?

Besides, Ted “Firewall” Morton endorsed him.  Probably because he told Morton that he’d install a firewall on every computer in Alberta, to prevent Internet terrorists from stealing our precious resource dollars through online trading.  We’re a huge fan of Ted – if we didn’t know any better, we’d swear that he is actually a Rhinoceros Party operative merely pretending to be a Progressive Conservative.  If you have the support of the silliest MLA in Alberta, you also deserve to have the support of the silliest Party.

Our endorsement also stems from the fact that we take all our political advice from a girl we talked to at a party once: she said she voted not for the party who represented her political beliefs (because she didn’t understand what the parties stood for) instead she voted for the party which had the best chance of winning.   Gary Mar is the candidate with the best chance of winning.  Go get ‘em, Mr. Mar!

A message from the Rhinoceros Party of Alberta

For far too long, criminal gangs such as Starbucks and Tim Hortons have made huge profits selling drugs.  In the case of coffee, these gangs are even allowed to sell this addictive drug to children, and openly recruit minors to work in their “coffee shops”.   Common street names for coffee include “Cup of Joe”, “Java”, “Mocha”, “Picker-Upper”.

The case against tobacco is even more straightforward.  For millions of years, we have known that tobacco is evil.  We have banned tobacco use in public places due to health concerns, obviously the next step is to abolish tobacco use completely by making it illegal.  Common street names for tobacco include “Chew”, “Dip”, “Fags”, “Smoke”.

The need for alcohol prohibition is self-evident.  It is an addictive drug, and drinking and driving leads to car accidents, often causing injury and death.  It causes far more problems for both users and society than another drug that we put people in prison for – marijuana.  It even hurts babies in the womb. Plus, hangovers are awful, and they sometimes lead to the use of other drugs, such as coffee.  Common street name for alcohol include “booze”, “grog”, “hooch”, “fire water”.

General Secretary Ryan O’Lemon explains this amazingly progressive, yet conservative platform plank:  ”Ed Stelmach says he is going to get tough on gangs and drugs. Yet for some reason he refuses to criminalize coffee, a drug used by criminal gangs to make millions of dollars. If Ed is really going to get tough on crime, he should take away these sources of income by making these drugs illegal.  Instead, he’s posing for photos and filming his commercials in coffee shops.” Pausing to take a puff from a cigar, O’Lemon concludes: “A Rhinoceros Party government would signal last call for alcohol peddlers like the Alberta Liquor Store Association, the tobacco gangs would be forced to butt out of Alberta, and hot liquid would be poured down the pants of coffee dealers.”

Ryan O’Lemon, General Secretary of the Party, explains: “Every other party, even the Progressive Conservatives who have been in power for 37 years, are talking about ‘change’.  We will not change a thing, we will stay the course.  We will continue the astonishingly silly policies adopted by Premier Stelmach and his predecessors.  Read my lips: No new ideas.”

Typical jobs for children will be rolling cigarettes, coal mining, building toys for rich kids, and prostitution. Children will be allowed a two year break for military service, and then will be placed back into the workforce. Under our proposed plan, parents may purchase a work exemption for their children, tentatively set at $4000 per year.