Tough on crime. Tough on drugs. Your Alberta Rhinoceros Party.


The Rhinoceros Party of Alberta is proud to announce a new policy today, promising to prohibit the sale and use of drugs like tobacco, alcohol, and coffee.

For far too long, criminal gangs such as Starbucks and Tim Hortons have made huge profits selling drugs.  In the case of coffee, these gangs are even allowed to sell this addictive drug to children, and openly recruit minors to work in their “coffee shops”.   Common street names for coffee include “Cup of Joe”, “Java”, “Mocha”, “Picker-Upper”.

The case against tobacco is even more straightforward.  For millions of years, we have known that tobacco is evil.  We have banned tobacco use in public places due to health concerns, obviously the next step is to abolish tobacco use completely by making it illegal.  Common street names for tobacco include “Chew”, “Dip”, “Fags”, “Smoke”.

The need for alcohol prohibition is self-evident.  It is an addictive drug, and drinking and driving leads to car accidents, often causing injury and death.  It causes far more problems for both users and society than another drug that we put people in prison for – marijuana.  It even hurts babies in the womb. Plus, hangovers are awful, and they sometimes lead to the use of other drugs, such as coffee.  Common street name for alcohol include “booze”, “grog”, “hooch”, “fire water”.

General Secretary Ryan O’Lemon explains this amazingly progressive, yet conservative platform plank:  “Ed Stelmach says he is going to get tough on gangs and drugs. Yet for some reason he refuses to criminalize coffee, a drug used by criminal gangs to make millions of dollars. If Ed is really going to get tough on crime, he should take away these sources of income by making these drugs illegal.  Instead, he’s posing for photos and filming his commercials in coffee shops.” Pausing to take a puff from a cigar, O’Lemon concludes: “A Rhinoceros Party government would signal last call for alcohol peddlers like the Alberta Liquor Store Association, the tobacco gangs would be forced to butt out of Alberta, and hot liquid would be poured down the pants of coffee dealers.”



  1. Stelmach not only won’t ban caffeine, he actually glorifies it in his campaign ads! In each one people are using coffee. In fact they are so delirious from the effects of caffeine, they appear to think Stelmach has great ideas! (way to satirize the current scheduling of drugs, by the way)

  2. Somehow i missed the point. Probably lost in translation 🙂 Anyway … nice blog to visit.

    cheers, Narcissism

  3. But!!! But!!!.. What about the solution to child labour? you suggested that they could roll Cigarettes.. What will you do to make up that revenue?

  4. you guys r nuts. no wonder people dont vote for u lol

  5. […] and younger, and a ban on flavoured tobacco.  This is a watered down version of our drugs policy we announced back in February of […]

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