Rachel Notley’s new NDP government has finally announced the 2015 budget. An extremely silly document, it includes new “sin taxes” on tobacco and alcohol and for some reason locomotive fuel, since we all know that driving trains is a major vice. We especially like the tax on tobacco, since poor people smoke more and schizophrenics smoke more than anyone. Being poor and mentally ill is a vice that should be discouraged by regressive taxation.
In our opinion, these “sin taxes” don’t go far enough. We must create a holy society by taxing more sins. If elected, we promise to keep the current sin taxes, as well as taxing:
- Abortions – a tax of $2000 will be applied to every abortion.
- Homosexual sex – a tax of $50 per sex act will be applied.
- Pride – since pride is a sin, every “Pride Parade” will have to pay a $10 000 organization fee.
- Premarital sex – being a lesser sin than homosexual sex, a smaller $20 per act tax will apply.
- Adultery – sex with someone other than your spouse will be charged at a $40 per sex act rate, being a worse offense than premarital sex because it harms families.
- Pornography – pornography will be automatically blocked by every ISP. Users wishing to access pornography will have to call the Pornography Unblocking Hotline, and they will be charged a variable rate depending on the type of pornography they wish to unblock. Users seeking a more degenerate type of pornography will be obliged to pay more.
- Masturbation – a $10 tax will be paid by anyone masturbating, to be paid for every act regardless if the person climaxes or not.
- Eating shellfish – a 20% tax will be applied to clams, mussels, oysters, winkles, scallops, shrimp, lobster, crayfish, and crabs either purchased from a grocery store or ordered at a restaurant.
- Tattoos and body modification will be taxed at a rate of 100% of the price of the tattoo or $100, whichever is more.
- Membership in a heretical Christian sect; a 10% “tithe” will be added to the income tax of every member of a Christian sect that is not in communion with the One Holy Catholic Apostolic Church or the Orthodox Church.
- Extreme heresy; 20% will be added to the income tax of anyone found guilty of being an atheist or a Muslim.
These measures will be overseen by a newly created Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice, based on the Saudi Arabian model. With these measures, we promise not only to balance the budget in the first year of being elected, but also to create a holy utopia and bring about the Second Coming of Christ within a decade.