Election Platform 2008
We promise to keep none of our promises.
We also promise to:
• if elected, we will immediately dissolve the government and call another election
• get drunk and throw money at all of our problems, not just at homeless people.
• make gay marriage mandatory
• annex Saskatchewan, in order to provide “living space” for Albertans and make housing cheaper.
• push British Columbia into the sea, creating new oceanfront property in Alberta.
• repeal the law of gravity
• reduce the speed of light
• provide higher education by building higher schools
• legalize pot. And pans. And spatulas. And other kitchen utensils
• make all sidewalks out of rubber to prevent inebriated people from hurting themselves when they fall down
• abolish pumping oil out of the ground. Oil is there to keep the Earth moving smoothly on its axis and if you withdraw the oil, the whole thing will grind to a halt
• abolish the environment because it’s too hard to keep clean and it takes up so much space
• end crime by abolishing all laws
• adopt the British system of driving on the left; this will be gradually phased in over five years with large trucks and tractors first, then buses, eventually including small cars and bicycles last
• make Albertans stronger by putting steroids in the water
• ban lousy Alberta winters, Albertans are sick of being God’s frozen people. It’s time to get back to the four basic seasons: salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
• build giant domes over certain neighborhoods in order to keep the dinosaurs in, for example in Calgary West
• include the word “fun” in Acts of Provincial Legislatures, and Bylaws of municipalities
• use the greenhouses in Redcliff to grow cannabis
• rename the province “The People’s Republic of North Montana”, declare Medicine Hat the capital, because it has a silly name.
• merge with the Progressive Conservative party we don’t split the silly vote