h1

Rhinoceros Party endorses Gary Mar as next infallible leader of Alberta

2011-09-29

“When you gaze into an abyss, an abyss also gazes into you.”

Nietzsche said this. Well, we at the Rhinoceros Party have gazed into the abyss that is the Progressive Conservative leadership race and we must say – Gary Mar is by far the silliest candidate, so he has our endorsement!

Mr. Mar is an outspoken proponent of private health care delivery, and he had the chutzpah to run his campaign using the socialist colour of the NDP: orange. This delicious sense of irony is exactly what we need from the next leader of the province, because God knows it is impossible to lead this province without a certain sense of irony.  We need a leader who can say things like “the taroilsands are a source of clean, cheap energy” in Chinese with a straight face.  How else are we going to convince the Chinese to buy our oil?  It’s not like they already want the oil and can speak English or anything like that.

Also he was the Minister of Health and Wellness that brought about the hilarious consolidation of Alberta’s health regions.  This lead to very silly anecdotes – like people from Calgary calling down to the hospital in Lethbridge, demanding to know why they are using so much gauze.  We predict that with Mr. Mar in charge, we will be able consolidate the business of running the entire province down to a single desk in a basement in Edmonton.  How’s that for efficient and effective government?

Besides, Ted “Firewall” Morton endorsed him.  Probably because he told Morton that he’d install a firewall on every computer in Alberta, to prevent Internet terrorists from stealing our precious resource dollars through online trading.  We’re a huge fan of Ted – if we didn’t know any better, we’d swear that he is actually a Rhinoceros Party operative merely pretending to be a Progressive Conservative.  If you have the support of the silliest MLA in Alberta, you also deserve to have the support of the silliest Party.

Our endorsement also stems from the fact that we take all our political advice from a girl we talked to at a party once: she said she voted not for the party who represented her political beliefs (because she didn’t understand what the parties stood for) instead she voted for the party which had the best chance of winning.   Gary Mar is the candidate with the best chance of winning.  Go get ’em, Mr. Mar!

h1

Rhinoceros Party apologizes for lack of updates.

2008-03-01

We just couldn’t afford the letters and punctuation.  Still, vote for us, we will make things exactly the way they are now.  We won’t change a thing, except for all those promises we made, which we promise not to keep.  “STAY THE COURSE.”

A message from the Rhinoceros Party of Alberta

h1

Tough on crime. Tough on drugs. Your Alberta Rhinoceros Party.

2008-02-20

The Rhinoceros Party of Alberta is proud to announce a new policy today, promising to prohibit the sale and use of drugs like tobacco, alcohol, and coffee.

For far too long, criminal gangs such as Starbucks and Tim Hortons have made huge profits selling drugs.  In the case of coffee, these gangs are even allowed to sell this addictive drug to children, and openly recruit minors to work in their “coffee shops”.   Common street names for coffee include “Cup of Joe”, “Java”, “Mocha”, “Picker-Upper”.

The case against tobacco is even more straightforward.  For millions of years, we have known that tobacco is evil.  We have banned tobacco use in public places due to health concerns, obviously the next step is to abolish tobacco use completely by making it illegal.  Common street names for tobacco include “Chew”, “Dip”, “Fags”, “Smoke”.

The need for alcohol prohibition is self-evident.  It is an addictive drug, and drinking and driving leads to car accidents, often causing injury and death.  It causes far more problems for both users and society than another drug that we put people in prison for – marijuana.  It even hurts babies in the womb. Plus, hangovers are awful, and they sometimes lead to the use of other drugs, such as coffee.  Common street name for alcohol include “booze”, “grog”, “hooch”, “fire water”.

General Secretary Ryan O’Lemon explains this amazingly progressive, yet conservative platform plank:  “Ed Stelmach says he is going to get tough on gangs and drugs. Yet for some reason he refuses to criminalize coffee, a drug used by criminal gangs to make millions of dollars. If Ed is really going to get tough on crime, he should take away these sources of income by making these drugs illegal.  Instead, he’s posing for photos and filming his commercials in coffee shops.” Pausing to take a puff from a cigar, O’Lemon concludes: “A Rhinoceros Party government would signal last call for alcohol peddlers like the Alberta Liquor Store Association, the tobacco gangs would be forced to butt out of Alberta, and hot liquid would be poured down the pants of coffee dealers.”

h1

Rhinoceros Party announces Election slogan

2008-02-08

The Rhinoceros Party of Alberta has unveiled their election platform for the 2008 General Election: “Stay the Course.”

Ryan O’Lemon, General Secretary of the Party, explains: “Every other party, even the Progressive Conservatives who have been in power for 37 years, are talking about ‘change’.  We will not change a thing, we will stay the course.  We will continue the astonishingly silly policies adopted by Premier Stelmach and his predecessors.  Read my lips: No new ideas.”

h1

Rhinoceros Party announces final solution for child care

2008-02-08

The Rhinoceros Party of Alberta has engineered a brilliant final solution to the problems facing child care in this province. We promise to abolish childhood, and in doing so we will not only solve the problem of lack of day care spaces, but also the labour shortage and rising education costs.  We will replace elementary school with work, and Alberta will be able to keep up with China and India.

Typical jobs for children will be rolling cigarettes, coal mining, building toys for rich kids, and prostitution. Children will be allowed a two year break for military service, and then will be placed back into the workforce. Under our proposed plan, parents may purchase a work exemption for their children, tentatively set at $4000 per year.

h1

CORRECTION: Rhinoceros Party didn’t impersonate Premier

2008-01-25

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

The Rhinoceros Party of Alberta announced that their press release claiming to have impersonated Ed Stelmach and made absurd claims was actually a joke.  It was actually the Premier who said that tar sands oil was clean.  We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

ABOUT THE RHINOCEROS PARTY

The Rhinoceros Party of Alberta political party based out of Alberta, Canada. Originally the Party’s ideology was a mixture of libertarian and neoconservative leanings like the Conservative Party of Canada, until this was found to be much too silly, even for us. Now we are Marxist-Lennonist, for Groucho and John, respectively.

ABOUT ED STELMACH

A soft-spoken farmer, Ed Stelmach held four posts in the Ralph Klein government and had the support of the rural vote to win the leadership of the Progressive Conservative party of Alberta. Ed Stelmach’s low-key platform included fiscal stability, tackling the problems resulting from rapid growth in Alberta, and moving Alberta beyond its reliance on oil and gas.

h1

The Rhinoceros Party takes responsibility for fake Ed Stelmachs

2008-01-25

 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

The Rhinoceros Party of Alberta takes full responsibility for all the various fake Ed Stelmachs that have appeared recently. The website “edstelmach.ca” was run and administered by a Liberal party hack, but he was actually hypnotized by a Rhinoceros Party official and acted on our orders. The Ed Stelmachs on the social networking website Facebook were created by someone else, we don’t know.

Furthermore, the Rhinoceros Party would like to apologize for impersonating Ed Stelmach on a recent visit to Washington. The man that US Vice President Dick Cheney met with was not the real Ed Stelmach, it was in fact the leader of the Rhinoceros Party in disguise. We thought that attempting to cuddle the Vice President, inviting him back to our place, and claiming the tar sands were a clean source of oil would be enough for people to realize we were joking, and obviously an imposter, but nobody noticed.

We also take responsibility for the recent press conference where Ed Stelmach appeared to pledge to reduce greenhouse gas emissions 50% by 2050.  We also promise to reduce crime 99% by 2099.

We apologize for any confusion that may have been caused by our impersonating the Premier.

ABOUT THE RHINOCEROS PARTY

The Rhinoceros Party of Alberta political party based out of Alberta, Canada. Originally the Party’s ideology was a mixture of libertarian and neoconservative leanings like the Conservative Party of Canada, until this was found to be much too silly, even for us. Now we are Marxist-Lennonist, for Groucho and John, respectively.

ABOUT ED STELMACH

A soft-spoken farmer, Ed Stelmach held four posts in the Ralph Klein government and had the support of the rural vote to win the leadership of the Progressive Conservative party of Alberta. Ed Stelmach’s low-key platform included fiscal stability, tackling the problems resulting from rapid growth in Alberta, and moving Alberta beyond its reliance on oil and gas.