Posts Tagged ‘alberta’

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Rhinoceros Party spin on recent “Legislation”

2011-12-09

Health Care Inquiry Inquiry

This legislation would set up an inquiry to set up an inquiry into the health care system in Alberta. This does not go far enough – we should first set up an inquiry about an inquiry about an inquiry into health care. This extra layer of abstraction will allow politicians to do absolutely nothing for at least another month. We need more time to stall.

Fixed Election Dates

Excellent legislation that gives us a timeframe in which we will hold our fake elections which are “fixed” to give the PC Party majority after majority. We at the Rhinoceros Party are glad that the legislation finally acknowledges that our elections are fixed.

Drinking and Driving

This legislation reduces the legal limit for drinking and driving to 0.05. However, what it does not do is set a mandatory minimum. Conservatives love mandatory minimums, right? The Rhinoceros Party demands that the province set the mandatory minimum blood alcohol for driving to be 0.02. This will create jobs in the hospitality industry which would otherwise be endangered by the lower upper limit for drinking and driving and the government will continue to make money from liquor taxes.

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Rhinoceros Party endorses Gary Mar as next infallible leader of Alberta

2011-09-29

“When you gaze into an abyss, an abyss also gazes into you.”

Nietzsche said this. Well, we at the Rhinoceros Party have gazed into the abyss that is the Progressive Conservative leadership race and we must say – Gary Mar is by far the silliest candidate, so he has our endorsement!

Mr. Mar is an outspoken proponent of private health care delivery, and he had the chutzpah to run his campaign using the socialist colour of the NDP: orange. This delicious sense of irony is exactly what we need from the next leader of the province, because God knows it is impossible to lead this province without a certain sense of irony.  We need a leader who can say things like “the taroilsands are a source of clean, cheap energy” in Chinese with a straight face.  How else are we going to convince the Chinese to buy our oil?  It’s not like they already want the oil and can speak English or anything like that.

Also he was the Minister of Health and Wellness that brought about the hilarious consolidation of Alberta’s health regions.  This lead to very silly anecdotes – like people from Calgary calling down to the hospital in Lethbridge, demanding to know why they are using so much gauze.  We predict that with Mr. Mar in charge, we will be able consolidate the business of running the entire province down to a single desk in a basement in Edmonton.  How’s that for efficient and effective government?

Besides, Ted “Firewall” Morton endorsed him.  Probably because he told Morton that he’d install a firewall on every computer in Alberta, to prevent Internet terrorists from stealing our precious resource dollars through online trading.  We’re a huge fan of Ted – if we didn’t know any better, we’d swear that he is actually a Rhinoceros Party operative merely pretending to be a Progressive Conservative.  If you have the support of the silliest MLA in Alberta, you also deserve to have the support of the silliest Party.

Our endorsement also stems from the fact that we take all our political advice from a girl we talked to at a party once: she said she voted not for the party who represented her political beliefs (because she didn’t understand what the parties stood for) instead she voted for the party which had the best chance of winning.   Gary Mar is the candidate with the best chance of winning.  Go get ’em, Mr. Mar!