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Sin Taxes – Announcing a Progressive yet Conservative Policy Plank

2015-11-02

Rachel Notley’s new NDP government has finally announced the 2015 budget.  An extremely silly document, it includes new “sin taxes” on tobacco and alcohol and for some reason locomotive fuel, since we all know that driving trains is a major vice.  We especially like the tax on tobacco, since poor people smoke more and schizophrenics smoke more than anyone.  Being poor and mentally ill is a vice that should be discouraged by regressive taxation.

In our opinion, these “sin taxes” don’t go far enough.  We must create a holy society by taxing more sins.  If elected, we promise to keep the current sin taxes, as well as taxing:

  • Abortions – a tax of $2000 will be applied to every abortion.
  • Homosexual sex – a tax of $50 per sex act will be applied.
  • Pride – since pride is a sin, every “Pride Parade” will have to pay a $10 000 organization fee.
  • Premarital sex – being a lesser sin than homosexual sex, a smaller $20 per act tax will apply.
  • Adultery – sex with someone other than your spouse will be charged at a $40 per sex act rate, being a worse offense than premarital sex because it harms families.
  • Pornography – pornography will be automatically blocked by every ISP.  Users wishing to access pornography will have to call the Pornography Unblocking Hotline, and they will be charged a variable rate depending on the type of pornography they wish to unblock.  Users seeking a more degenerate type of pornography will be obliged to pay more.
  • Masturbation – a $10 tax will be paid by anyone masturbating, to be paid for every act regardless if the person climaxes or not.
  • Eating shellfish – a 20% tax will be applied to clams, mussels, oysters, winkles, scallops, shrimp, lobster, crayfish, and crabs either purchased from a grocery store or ordered at a restaurant.
  • Tattoos and body modification will be taxed at a rate of 100% of the price of the tattoo or $100, whichever is more.
  • Membership in a heretical Christian sect; a 10% “tithe” will be added to the income tax of every member of a Christian sect that is not in communion with the One Holy Catholic Apostolic Church or the Orthodox Church.
  • Extreme heresy; 20% will be added to the income tax of anyone found guilty of being an atheist or a Muslim.

These measures will be overseen by a newly created Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice, based on the Saudi Arabian model.  With these measures, we promise not only to balance the budget in the first year of being elected, but also to create a holy utopia and bring about the Second Coming of Christ within a decade.

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Rhinoceros Party update on 2012 Platform

2012-04-03

Albertans have been asking what our platform is.  You know our slogan: “Privatize ALL the things.” 

To adapt to our province a quote from Mark Ames:

Everyone–from the Alberta Party on the far-left, to
the Wildrose Party on the freedom-loving right – everyone who’s part of the conversation agrees that there’s no way we can avoid privatizing everything in Alberta. I’m talking about privatizing sidewalks, and putting toll booths on the sidewalks every three feet. I’m talking privatizing the mosquitoes and selling the human blood they draw to Cerberus, the whole works! So let’s not even talk about not privatizing unless we’re going to put on our tin foil hats and babble about ‘little green men” too, okay?

 The idea is this: privatize the entire province, turn it into a corporation, make each and every one of us into shareholders rather than citizens, and then do an IPO for Alberta, inc. Sounds crazy? Welp, it is–completely bat-feces crazy. Which is exactly why it just might work.

This man is a genius!  Expect our full platform to be released any day now. 

For an appetizer, here is a major promise in our platform:

We will issue checks to every Albertan from the resource revenue.  We’ll be able to do this since everything will be privatized.  Everyone wins!

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Redford policy on vice a watered down version of Rhinoceros Party’s plan

2011-12-23

Apparently Mrs. Redford plans to have a crackdown on smoking and drinking, mostly where vehicles are involved (she seems to have an automobile fetish) – including lowering the legal drinking limit to 0.05 and banning smoking in cars with  passengers 16 years of age and younger, and a ban on flavoured tobacco.  This is a watered down version of our drugs policy we announced back in February of 2008. 

Her policy doesn’t go far enough: we need to end, via prohibition, the scourge of dangerous drugs such as alcohol, coffee, and tobacco.  From our policy announcement:

The case against tobacco is […] straightforward.  For millions of years, we have known that tobacco is evil.  We have banned tobacco use in public places due to health concerns, obviously the next step is to abolish tobacco use completely by making it illegal.  Common street names for tobacco include “Chew”, “Dip”, “Fags”, “Smoke”.

We know that tobacco is harmful even to people over the age of 16, so for the good of the the province we need to ban tobacco.  After all, those lungs in your chest belong to the provincial government.  It’s in the Constitution Act, look it up.  

The punishment for smoking should be execution on the spot.  The message will be clear:  “Smoking kills, so if you smoke we’ll kill you preemptively.”  The same punishment would be in effect for those caught drinking alcohol and caffienated beverages such as coffee – anyone caught with a Jagerbomb would be executed twice.

 

Your Rhinoceros Party:  Progressive on health, decidedly conservative on drugs.

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Holiday wishes from the Rhinoceros Party

2011-12-09

The Rhinoceros Party of Alberta would like to extend holiday greetings to Muslims celebrating Ashura, Buddhists celebrating Bodhi Day, Jews celebrating Hanukkah, shoppers celebrating Boxing Day, Zoroastrians celebrating Zarathosht Diso and whoever celebrates Kwanzaa. 

Did we miss anything?

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Rhinoceros Party spin on recent “Legislation”

2011-12-09

Health Care Inquiry Inquiry

This legislation would set up an inquiry to set up an inquiry into the health care system in Alberta. This does not go far enough – we should first set up an inquiry about an inquiry about an inquiry into health care. This extra layer of abstraction will allow politicians to do absolutely nothing for at least another month. We need more time to stall.

Fixed Election Dates

Excellent legislation that gives us a timeframe in which we will hold our fake elections which are “fixed” to give the PC Party majority after majority. We at the Rhinoceros Party are glad that the legislation finally acknowledges that our elections are fixed.

Drinking and Driving

This legislation reduces the legal limit for drinking and driving to 0.05. However, what it does not do is set a mandatory minimum. Conservatives love mandatory minimums, right? The Rhinoceros Party demands that the province set the mandatory minimum blood alcohol for driving to be 0.02. This will create jobs in the hospitality industry which would otherwise be endangered by the lower upper limit for drinking and driving and the government will continue to make money from liquor taxes.

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Statement from Ryan O’Lemon on Casual Friday

2011-11-11

On this day, we bow our heads in silent gratitude for Casual Fridays. Since Confederation, thousands of Canadians have given their lives working in dead-end jobs or suffered crippling physical and mental wounds to defend our great tradition of Casual Fridays and its freedoms.

From Bank Street to Main Street, denizens of workplaces have served with great valour, laying down their lives from 9 to 5, especially on Fridays, to build a better, freer, more peaceful world. They have defeated the tyrants in upper management, saved the helpless, and served as our greatest ambassadors to the peoples of the world.

No words or gestures can ever fully capture the magnitude of our debt to these men and women currently not wearing full business attire. On behalf of the Real Opposition, it is with the deepest humility and respect that I offer our thanks to  those who have helped establish Casual Fridays and to their families.

Did we forget anything?

Office of the Leader of the Rhinoceros Party of Alberta
Communications Department
abrhinos@gmail.com
Twitter

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New Party Slogan for 2012

2011-11-09

Rhinoceros Party announces new slogan:

A meme is like a gene

“Privatize ALL THE THINGS”

Some say that privatization in this province has gone too far, well, we at the Rhinoceros Party of Alberta say that it hasn’t gone too far enough! Look at how successful it has been with privatized power generation! We will privatize everything, from the sidewalks and roads to your children’s education. We will also privatize your children. Even the legislature, long a potent symbol of government, will be privatized and covered with ads.

For a picture of what a Rhinoceros Party led legislature would look like, take a look at your local hockey rink. We will also stage UFC-style cagefights within the legislature, so that hopefully Albertans will finally pay attention to what happens there. If there’s one thing that will get the attention of Albertans, it’s two men viciously beating on each other until blood is spilled. Panem et circenses, indeed!

Promises:

  • A toll booth at every corner, and miniature toll booths on sidewalks. We – I mean our arm’s length private contractors we are selling the sidewalks to at pennies on the dollar – will charge businessmen a nickel to walk down the street, finally providing a market-based solution.
  • Privatized education for children. Don’t worry, we won’t be introducing user fees. Instead, we will have subjects like “Geology brought to you by Encana” which will teach children about the lie called “Climate Change”, or “Social Studies brought to you by The Family Research Council” which will teach children about how the gays are ruining Alberta with their fabulousness.
  • A privatized legislature, where legislators are bought and paid for by private interests. Oh wait… we’ll have to think of a new policy here, because this seems to be already in place…
  • Instead of being citizens, people living in the province will be called shareholders, and given their share of the public wealth when everything is privatized. We plan on balancing the budget and turning a profit within the first week of taking office.
  • Privatized health care. We’re the only party which will honestly tell you while looking you in the eyes that “we want to privatize your health care, sell our health care system to HMOs from the United States, and sell your organs for cash.” The other parties just want to do this on the sly.

Remember to vote for us for change.  Also for stability.  We promise everything!